i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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