Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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