He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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