i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
