totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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