Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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