when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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