She is in my trunk
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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