I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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