I hate your face
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
