I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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