I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
