every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I want to fling myself into the sun
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
