It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
