fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
