I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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