Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
