You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
