he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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