Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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