Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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