I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
