I cannot find my penis.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
