I cut my penus on the lid.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
