Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
