R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
