I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
