This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
