literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
