dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
