The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
