I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
