Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
