even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
