We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
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My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
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things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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