shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.