Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.