Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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