i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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