if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
