if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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