Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
