Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
