Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
