I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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