If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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