Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
