I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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