I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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