She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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