I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
