my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
