Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
