i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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