Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
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Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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