4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
