I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
