i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
